Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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