my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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