I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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