I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Duck Duck Cougar?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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