Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
