I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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