So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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