When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize