Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
