On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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