Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
