The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
