I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
