So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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