my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
