I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
