I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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