i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
