We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
