so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
