I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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