i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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