i wish semen tasted like chocolate
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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