no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
