you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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