Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
