Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
