Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
