My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
