Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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