three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
