someone owes me an orgasm
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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