Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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