These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
