he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I am one with the molecules
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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