Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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