I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
