I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
