Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
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