Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
just tell him i said nine months
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I wish there were birth control emojis
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
