Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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