apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
