i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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