I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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