In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
