You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Moan for me like Helen Keller
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
