I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
