....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
