Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
