I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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