someone owes me an orgasm
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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