I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
