I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
