woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
