he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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