I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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