We named our party play list daddy issues
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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