it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
