I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
i think my cat just said my name.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
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