When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
im holly from the hills drunk
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
